By Jen Niemann
My husband and I stood in our kitchen facing each other. Frustration welled up inside us.
Married 18 months, we’d moved into a new home and found ourselves in disagreement from the different ways we’d been raised.
Being a firstborn, I found it easy to make and act on decisions quickly. My husband joked that I was the “Supreme Commander of the Universe” during the first year of marriage.
My husband turned out to be the exact opposite. His parents were older than mine and grew up in families who experienced the Great Depression.
Decisions were made cautiously and all factors considered, including need and cost. If something could be fixed or saved for later, it shouldn’t be thrown out.
I knew the saying, “opposites attract,” but that didn’t help me learn how opposites work together to accomplish goals. I felt frustrated that I couldn’t predict or change his thinking.
As followers of Christ, how do we best approach each other when we have different opinions?
Speaking the Truth in Love
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” – Proverbs 15:1 HCSB
Jesus is the ultimate example of speaking truth in love to people. His speech was purposeful and Spirit-led so He could teach and build up. He used discernment about when to speak gently, firmly, or remain silent.
Jesus often asked questions to invite reflection (Lk 10:26). During a dinner party, Jesus addressed the Pharisees differently than the sinner anointing His feet (Lk 7). He paid attention to the heart attitude of those with whom He spoke, even when confronting sin.
Jesus’ words connected people through wisdom, truth, and proper timing (Jn 7). He also knew when an answer wouldn’t suffice and would choose silence (Mt 27:12).
4 Bible Verses to Help Us Develop a Gentle Response
Like Jesus, we can learn how to discern when a gentle response is needed, approach disagreements in love, and use our speech to restore unity.
Here are four Bible verses to help us approach situations from a biblical perspective and take steps toward gentle responses:
1) “Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. ”- James 1:18 HCSB
Pause before speaking. The pause is where we can settle our emotions and send up quick breath prayers for help.
“God, please help me.”
2) “Let your conversation be always full of grace.”- Colossians 4:6 HCSB
The tone of our voice matters so we don’t accuse and escalate the situation. Let’s ask God to help our words come across in love, not anger.
“Jesus, let me speak in Your love.”
3) “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” – Proverbs 12:18 HCSB
When feelings are hurt, we might respond in anger. We should use our tongue for unity instead of division.
“Father, please guard my tongue” (Ps 141:3).
4) “But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit—the Father will send Him in My name—will teach you all things and remind you of everything I have told you.” – John 14:26 HCSB.
The Holy Spirit helps us formulate a better response.
“Holy Spirit, please give me Your words.”
Learning How to Respond in Love
When I took a moment to pause during the disagreement with my husband, the Lord reminded me he was a wonderful man who loved me.
I didn’t understand his thinking at that particular moment, but there was a reason behind it.
“Honey,” I said. “I know I’m disagreeing with you, but can you tell me why you think differently? I know you love me, so there must be a good reason I don’t understand.”
When I acknowledged my husband’s loving intent, his shoulders relaxed, and his body turned fully toward me.
He shared the thinking behind his decision, and a light bulb went off in my mind.
The intent behind his reasoning considered my best interest—I just hadn’t known it or understood him before that moment.
Once I understood the rationale behind his thinking, my frustration level deflated like a balloon. He was thinking of me, while I simply clung to the traditional way my family always did things.
My mind was opened in greater understanding.
I relaxed and accepted his position. Resentment fled; love grew.
Even if we agreed to disagree, I now felt cared for.
Yes, we’d grown up and learned to make decisions differently. But responding in love with a soft answer and gaining understanding proved key to restoring harmony.
Gentleness Turns Away Wrath
First Corinthians 13:4 reminds us that love is patient and kind. Love isn’t prideful or self-seeking. These aspects of love are foundational for responding with gentleness.
Gentleness isn’t a weakness, but a fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5:22). Gentleness is a strength as we exercise self-control over our emotions.
The wisdom of a soft answer is useful in every relationship.
What conversation in your life right now could use softer answers instead of sharper ones? Ask God to reshape your heart toward greater understanding.
Do you need help learning to speak with gentleness? Ask for the Holy Spirit’s help in shaping softer speech (Jn 14:26).
Are you afraid your words might make the situation worse? Pray for the Holy Spirit to guard your tongue (Eph 4:29).
When we choose a gentler approach, the Holy Spirit can give the words and insights necessary to diffuse a tense situation and move us forward in peace.
Prayer
Lord, help my words reflect Your gentleness, especially when my emotions rise faster than my own wisdom. Amen.
Jen Niemann
Jennifer Niemann uses her writing voice to sing of grace. Former nurse, lifelong encourager, and occasional hummingbird whisperer, she writes to help others find God in the everyday. She and her husband live outside Chagrin Falls, Ohio, where she volunteers in various ministries. Find her gardening, crocheting, or praying her drafts save appropriately while writing Soul Singings on Substack.
