Her words stung. They shouted louder than all the positive comments I’d received.
I had stepped out of my comfort zone and accepted the responsibility for a task beyond my area of expertise.
In the days and nights leading up to the event, anxiety over the outcome disrupted my sleep and consumed my waking thoughts. So I prayed hard, worked hard, enlisted help, and tried to foresee any possible obstacles.
Afterward, I received kind remarks from others, but my friend’s feedback crushed me.
The distressed look on her face spoke volumes, even before she opened her mouth. She let me know my efforts fell short.
My worst fears materialized. I failed. It was too late to fix my mistakes.
My friend meant for her remarks to be constructive criticism. What she said was true, but I wish she had offered me a “sandwich” instead.
The Sandwich Approach
As a teacher, sometimes I deliver unpleasant news during parent-teacher conferences. I’d love to tell all parents that their children are perfect in every way. Everyone would be happy, I’d avoid conflict, and I’d get nice gifts during Teacher Appreciation Week.
But part of a teacher’s job is to recognize areas of improvement so a student can make progress. Ignoring problems doesn’t benefit the child.
However, focusing on shortcomings isn’t helpful either.
In conferences, teachers often “sandwich” unpleasant news between two positive statements:
Positive statement: Your child has lots of energy. She’s a determined child, and her classmates love her.
Unpleasant news: I’d like to see her strengthen her reading skills so she’ll be ready to move on to the next grade. We can discuss some strategies to help.
Positive statement: She’s a smart child. If she can channel her energy and determination into her schoolwork, she will excel as a student.
Using the sandwich method, we acknowledge the child’s unique personality and strengths, state the shortcoming in reading, but provide hope for improvement and success.
How to Speak Truth in Love
“A word spoken at the right time is like gold apples on a silver tray.” – Proverbs 25:11 HCSB
God has placed us in the body of Christ (a.k.a. the Church) so we can help one another mature and grow in Christlikeness (Eph 4:14–15). Often growth involves hearing hard truths.
Sometimes we need to have difficult conversations, such as when a spouse does or says hurtful things, a close friend makes harmful decisions, or an employee isn’t performing to standards.
We’ve all received feedback and likely will need to give it. Let’s unpack how to do so in a loving way.
First, we ask the Lord for insight and to show us our own shortcomings (Mt 7:3), especially as it applies to the problem at hand. Then we ask God to give us the words to say.
Second, we examine the problem and ask ourselves some questions:
- Is it a small thing we can let go? – For example, when a spouse leaves dirty socks on the floor, does the situation merit a big discussion, or could we just pick them up?
- Is this my problem to fix? – For example, when a friend repaints her living room and we cringe when we see the color, is it necessary to be “truthful” and tell her we think it’s ugly?
- What are the motives for having the discussion? – Do I honestly desire my friend’s welfare, or do I want to show I’m right?
- What needs to change?
- What consequences might ensue if we don’t correct the problem?
Third, we wait for a time when we can calmly discuss the problem. The more sensitive the issue, the more important waiting becomes so strong emotions subside and we can discuss it rationally and gently.
Next, we listen and ask questions. Hearing the other person’s point of view gives us insight into the situation.
Finally, we serve up “gold apples on a silver tray”:
- Acknowledge the other person’s point of view, feelings, good intentions, and strengths.
- Deliver the difficult message with carefully chosen words and in an even tone of voice.
- Communicate love and hope for a positive outcome.
When a difficult conversation arises, consider using the sandwich method to communicate truth in love. May we grow in sharing hard things with our brothers and sisters in Christ, but do so with humility, gentleness, and love.
Margaret Kemp
Margaret Kemp is a writer and teacher who’s spent many years in a classroom full of lively 5- and 6-year-olds. A Louisiana native, she loves traveling, singing, and spending quality time with family and friends. Her heart’s desire is to lead others to know God better and find delight in Him. Connect with her at The Delighting Heart and on Instagram.
