A lady in a church where I once served as pastor told me she was “living at peace” with her sister-in-law by never being in the same room with her.
At Christmas, she volunteered at homeless shelters and church. But when it was time for a family reunion, somehow urgent work assignments appeared.
“Romans 12:18 says, ‘if possible,’ right?” she proclaimed. “Well, it’s not possible.”
That’s not what Paul meant.
A Haunting Verse for People-Pleasers
“If possible, on your part, live at peace with everyone.” – Romans 12:18 HCSB
These 10 words have launched a thousand misunderstandings.
At first glance, this verse seems like a divine permission slip for avoidance. The phrase “if possible” sounds like an escape clause.
Like God saying, “Do your best, but if Charlotte is truly unbearable, you’re off the hook.”
But Paul isn’t giving us an out. He’s acknowledging reality.
The “if possible” isn’t about our comfort level. It’s about the sobering truth that we can’t control other people. We can only control ourselves.
Notice the crucial phrase: “on your part.”
The verse shifts from a general idea to a personal mandate. Paul urges us to do all we can to live at peace with others.
We can’t blame the other person for 100 percent of the conflict, even if they’re responsible for 95 percent of it. We should examine our own hearts, reactions, and contributions to the mess.
Years ago, when I was a college student, I had a neighbor who lived in the same apartment complex. This dear saint complained constantly.
If I jingled my keys while locking my front door, she pulled back her curtains and gave me an ugly eye. If the shadow from my car cast onto her parking space, she complained to the manager.
I was convinced she was sent to torment me. Then a teacher asked, “Have you prayed for her?”
So I started praying.
Nothing changed with the neighbor, but something shifted in me.
“On my part” meant more than just not keying the woman’s car. I should genuinely seek her good, even when it was hard.
The complaints didn’t end, but I stopped storing up bitterness. I did my part.
Keeping Peace vs. Making Peace
Two approaches to living at peace with others are keeping peace and making peace.
Keeping peace is what the lady did with her sister-in-law. Avoidance dressed up in spiritual language. Sweeping everything under the rug until a large lump appears in the middle of the living room and everyone pretends not to notice.
Making peace is biblical resolution. It’s hard. Awkward. And involves actual conversation.
Jesus didn’t say, “Blessed are the conflict avoiders.” He said, “Blessed are the peacemakers” (Mt 5:9).
Peacemakers are active, intentional, and sometimes face uncomfortable situations.
Keeping the peace isn’t peace—it’s a delayed explosion.
Some of us may be nervous because we’re thinking about that one person. The one who drains us. The one who bulldozes boundaries. The one who mistakes our kindness for weakness.
Living at peace doesn’t mean we become doormats. Boundaries and peace aren’t enemies. Peace sometimes requires boundaries.
Healthy boundaries often make peace possible.
The question is how we enforce healthy boundaries.
Do Your Part
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.” – Ephesians 4:32 HCSB
Forgiveness is the most expensive component of peace.
Notice Paul doesn’t say, “Be kind and compassionate to people who deserve it.” He doesn’t say, “Forgive when you feel like it.”
Forgiveness isn’t a feeling, but a decision to release someone from the debt they owe us. Forgiveness is one-sided.
We can forgive someone and still maintain boundaries. We can release bitterness while acknowledging that trust must be rebuilt.
Forgiveness opens the door to peace. It doesn’t require us to be foolish.
Whether or not reconciliation happens depends on the situation. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, peace isn’t possible.
The other person refuses. They want war. They thrive on conflict.
In these circumstances, “if possible” becomes our comfort, not an excuse.
God knows. He sees and understands we can’t force someone to choose peace.
Our responsibility is our part. We can release the burden of fixing someone else.
Paul knew and experienced this. Despite his efforts, he faced opposition, slander, and persecution.
Yet he didn’t become bitter. He didn’t retaliate.
Paul did his part and trusted God with the results.
Choose Forgiveness
“Do not be conquered by evil, but conquer evil with good.” – Romans 12:21 HCSB
This verse follows Romans 12:18. Living at peace is part of conquering evil with good. Spiritual warfare disguised as everyday relationships.
When we choose peace, we’re not weak. We’re being like Christ, who “when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten but entrusted Himself to the One who judges justly” (1 Pt 2:23).
Every time we choose forgiveness over bitterness, boundaries over resentment, honest conversation over the silent treatment, we’re making peace. We’re doing our part.
Remember the church member I mentioned earlier? She eventually realized avoiding her sister-in-law wasn’t peace, but fear dressed up as wisdom.
She took a risk and invited her sister-in-law to coffee. The church member admitted her faults in their relationship. She listened more than she talked.
The relationship didn’t become perfect. They’re probably never going to be best friends.
But there’s peace now. Real peace. A peace from doing our part and trusting God with the rest.
Peace Is Possible, but Not Easy
Carrying around the weight of unresolved conflict, unforgiveness, and strategic avoidance is heavy. Living at peace with others is possible more often than we think, but it’s rarely comfortable.
Pursue peace—even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.
Pursuing peace reflects our Prince of Peace, who pursued us when we were anything but peaceable.
Dr. Billy Ready, Jr.
Dr. Billy Ready is a Christian counselor, pastor, author, worship leader, and songwriter with over 50 years of experience in ministry and clinical counseling. He holds a PhD in Clinical Pastoral Counseling and provides compassionate care through his South Mississippi counseling office. He and his wife, Larke, have four children and six grandchildren. Connect with him on Instagram or Facebook.
