I’m extremely non-confrontational. In fact, I used to think proof of a solid relationship is when you don’t have any misunderstandings or disagreements.
I thought people who argued or aired their grievances were proud or problematic.
I thought the “Christian” thing to do was to ignore any pain or misunderstanding for the sake of maintaining peace.
So when I spotted her across the church office, I braced myself, took a deep breath, and with a huge smile on my face said, “Hey girl! How was work today?”
She barely glanced up. “Fine.”
The same dismissive response I was used to at this point.
My stomach knotted. Again.
For months, her words and actions hurt me. Sometimes it felt intentional. Other times, I reasoned she didn’t know her actions hurt me.
But in both cases, I never said anything. Instead, I tried to be her friend.
I complimented her outfit. Sat near her during church services. And did everything I could to build a relationship.
I thought I was a peacemaker.
I was wrong.
A Peacemaker vs. a Peacekeeper
In Matthew 5:9 HCSB, Jesus said, “The peacemakers are blessed, for they will be called sons of God.”
According to the University of San Diego’s School of Peace Studies, “a peacemaker is someone who brings about peace; they possess a profound understanding of the power of dialogue, empathy and reconciliation.”
When Jesus said peacemakers are blessed, He wasn’t calling us to avoid hard conversations. He was calling us to pursue true peace—even when it’s uncomfortable.
Biblical peacemakers address issues directly with humility and love. They don’t seek to avoid conflict; instead, they pursue reconciliation.
Biblical peacemakers understand that healthy relationships include disagreements handled well, and they trust God enough to have hard conversations.
On the other hand, a peacekeeper prioritizes comfort over truth. They avoid difficult conversations at all costs.
Peacekeepers sweep issues under the rug to maintain surface harmony. They smile through the pain while resenting people in private. They use “being nice” as a shield against addressing real problems
I was a textbook peacekeeper. I thought not having misunderstandings was proof of spiritual maturity. Yet behind closed doors, I cried out to God, “Let her harvest the seeds she has planted. Let her feel the exact pain she caused me.”
I prayed like this until the Holy Spirit warned me to stop because my heart wasn’t in the right place. I wasn’t a peacemaker. I was avoiding conflict and dressing it up as godliness.
True peacemaking doesn’t ignore the problem, but confronts it with grace.
Why Peacekeeping Doesn’t Work
Peacekeeping creates false peace. We might avoid an awkward conversation, but we don’t avoid the consequences.
If we fail to seek true peace, bitterness and resentment take root in our hearts. Our relationships stay shallow.
The same issues will repeat themselves since we haven’t learned to deal with them.
Worse, peacekeeping often leads to gossip. When we won’t talk to someone, we talk about them—to God, friends, anyone who will listen.
How to Shift from Peacekeeping to Peacemaking
Here’s how we can take steps toward becoming a biblical peacemaker:
1. Recognize sin is the enemy, not conflict.
Misunderstandings are inevitable. We come from different backgrounds, have different personalities, and experience life differently.
If we can have misunderstandings with our own families, then we’ll definitely experience them with others. Conflict isn’t a sign of a failed relationship, but how we handle conflict reveals the health of a relationship.
2. Take it to God first and obey how He leads.
Prayer is essential. But prayer isn’t a substitute for obedience.
If God prompts us to have a conversation with someone, praying about it repeatedly without acting is disobedience.
Sometimes God’s answer to our prayer is, “Go talk to her.”
3. Speak the truth in love.
Address issues with honesty and humility, examining our own hearts first. Peacemaking isn’t being harsh or unforgiving.
Scripture instructs us to be led by love. ”But speaking the truth in love, let us grow in every way into Him who is the head—Christ” (Eph 4:15 HCSB).
Part of speaking the truth in love involves using wisdom and choosing the right time and approach to have difficult conservations.
4. Work out your salvation with fear and trembling.
How we respond to pain or difficult situations is within our control. No one can make us act out of character; our response remains our choice.
The person who wronged you will answer to God for her actions, but you will also answer to God for yours.
Paul urges believers to work out their own salvation with fear and trembling (Phil 2:12). Each person is responsible for cultivating their own spiritual maturity.
The Opportunity in Conflict
I never had that conversation with my church friend. But that season left a mark on me because I realized what I thought was Christian kindness was actually avoidance.
Pretending to be okay with someone to keep the surface calm isn’t the peace Jesus modeled. True peace costs something.
Sometimes, the most important conversation from a difficult relationship is the one you finally have with yourself. Conflict and misunderstandings can’t be avoided. However, when we handle it God’s way, we can turn conflict into an opportunity.
We get the chance to reflect Christ’s character regardless of the circumstances. We grow in spiritual maturity. And we build deeper, more authentic relationships.
If you’re in a situation where you’re peacekeeping instead of peacemaking, have the hard conversation you’re avoiding.
Pray for wisdom. Ask God to prepare both hearts. Invite the Holy Spirit into the mess.
Then speak the truth in love.
True peace isn’t the absence of conflict, but the presence of Christ in the middle of it. When we invite the Prince of Peace into our conflict, He can calm the harshest of storms.
Theresa Ogueri
Theresa Ogueri is a writer, speaker, and founder of Younik Publishing. She is a three-time author who has helped multiple women publish bestselling works. For years, she has helped women give language to what they’ve lived through books, speaking, and honest conversation rooted in faith. Her latest book, SPEAK: Finding the Courage and Freedom to Own Your Voice, is available now. Follow her on Instagram and YouTube.
