My four amazing children are my sun, moon, heart, and every other sappy thing people say.
The oldest is 20-I-know-everything-about-life-can-you-put-some-money-in-my-account years old, two are teenagers, and the youngest is 11 going on 35.
My kids are also the cause of the tic under my left eye and the reason I wake up bathed in cold sweat at night. (Maybe that last one’s perimenopause.)
I don’t know about you, but nothing tests my faith quite like these kids of mine.
I start out fine and dandy in the morning. Hot cup of coffee in hand, reciting Bible verses about patience and grace with a smile.
By the time breakfast is ready, we’re eight eye rolls and four “I know Mom!” comments deep. Now I’m quoting Leviticus like it’s a threat: “Thou shalt not roll thine eyes at thy mother.”
In the midst of the teenage hormonal meltdowns, the 20-year-old calls to tell me about the B she just got on an exam, and now her life and GPA are forever ruined.
The neighbor stands on my front porch wanting to talk about how rude my 11-year-old (with no filter) was to her kid.
Let’s not talk about the 17-year-old and his refusal to accept that his teacher isn’t lying. My son didn’t do the assignment that’s showing a zero online.
I’m questioning if my entire identity isn’t just an Uber driver, banker, prison warden, and therapist.
Finding Our Identity in the Wrong Place
Placing our worth in how our kids act is a trap.
We should stop and remind ourselves of this truth daily: Our identity isn’t found in our kids’ behavior.
If our kid gets straight A’s, leads a Bible study, and receives an excellent report from the visit to the dentist, we feel like we’re the Proverbs 31 poster momma.
But, if our precious little one is sneaking out of his room, failing geometry, and talking back to us without a thought to his bodily welfare, we google boarding schools nearby (or not so close by).
Time for the truth bomb.
God never intended for us to base our worth and identity on these tiny humans who once thought eating dirt was a good idea.
Or even on the larger humans who live under our roofs and are convinced we just ruined their lives by picking them up from a friend’s house and (gasp) had the audacity to wave at their friend.
And social media doesn’t help.
We open our phones and are instantly bombarded with things like, “My 4-year-old memorized the book of Psalms and knit 150 hats to send to the missionaries in Antartica!” Or, “My teen scored a perfect 1600 on the SAT and is headed to the Congo to build orphanages.”
Our worth isn’t determined by how Insta-worthy our parenting looks or how cool our teenagers think we are (thank goodness!).
The Real Source of Our Identity
“For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.” – Colossians 3:3 NKJV
Notice how Colossians 3:3 doesn’t say, “Your life is hidden in your child’s grades, their choice of friends, or their Snapchat streaks.”
Second Corinthians 5:17 tells us, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.”
When we’re in Christ, we’re brand new creations—not slightly improved versions of ourselves. We’re not “trying to do better” moms or graded “works in progress,” depending on the day’s mood or our teenagers’ hormone levels.
We’re fully loved. Fully forgiven. Fully His.
The old version, the one trying to find her value in her kids’ accomplishments and behaviors, is gone.
She’s replaced by the new one in Christ, rooted in grace, defined by God’s love, and set free from tying her worth to how many gold stars her kids get (or don’t).
This truth stands whether our kid shares her testimony at youth group or gives us attitude because we asked her to take out the trash.
Identity in Christ Survival Tips
Living out your identity in Christ as a mom isn’t so easy. Here are some survival tips to walk out this truth.
1 – Start your day with grace.
Before you open up your phone to look at social media or monitor your kids’ screen time, find a quiet place to meditate on a Scripture about grace. Prepare your heart to receive and give grace to the small army around you.
2 – Forgive quickly.
Forgive yourself and those around you. You’re not going to get it all right all the time—and that’s OK.
3 – Unfollow if necessary.
If someone’s “perfect” mom life makes you feel like garbage, hit that unfollow button, sister. Boundaries, even silent ones, are healthy.
4 – Laugh often.
If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. Or both. That’s allowed, too.
5 – Find your people.
Connect with other moms who can say, “same, girl” without judgment. They’re the ones who invite you over to their house without making sure it’s spotless. These types of friends are a gift.
6 – Remember you belong to God.
You’re God’s daughter, not your teenager’s personal assistant or designated punching bag for hormonal mood swings.
An Unshakeable Identity
Yes, we want to raise godly kids. Yes, we pray they make good choices.
But, even on their worst days (or their entire teenage years), God’s love for us and our value in Him haven’t changed one bit.
We’re not our child’s behavior. We belong to Jesus.
And momma, this is the kind of identity no teenage eye roll can shake.
Katherine Grote
Katherine Grote makes her home in northwest Arkansas with her incredibly patient hubby of more than 20 years, their four (slightly) feral children, a flatulent dog named Asa, and three neurotic cats. Their house is always full of stray kids and animals, laundry piles, copious amounts of coffee, and laughter. Connect with her at Conversations With Coconuts.
